MY SON'S BIRTH
On the morning of June 11, 2015 at about 0400, I woke up with strong contractions. They started out relatively close together and very consistent. I let my husband sleep, and he woke up about an hour or so after I got up. He asked if I was okay, and I informed him that things had started and we would soon be meeting our son. So many emotions started running through my body as our lives were about to change.
Our church was putting on Vacation Bible School this same week, and my husband is the youth pastor there, so we decided to go into the church that morning. I was okay with it so that I could try and keep my mind off of the pain from the contractions. After VBS was over, we went back home to grab a bite to eat and continue monitoring my contractions.
At about 1530 in the afternoon we decided that the contractions were close enough together, and long enough in length, that we headed for the hospital. Once in triage they checked me and I was only 3 cm dilated. Typically they wouldn't admit oneself at that stage in labor. However, baby's heart rate kept dropping. They admitted me in order to monitor baby more. As time went on, they were constantly having to monitor baby. The wireless monitors were not working, so I could only move a couple feet away from the bed to bounce on the birthing ball or do squats. Baby boy didn't seem to like it when I moved around though. The nurses came in and put me back into the bed. They turned me different directions to see if they could get a good heart rate, but he just wasn't having anything to do with labor. They tried an internal monitor, but it wouldn't stay attached.
Finally, somewhere around shift change between 1830 and 1930, I decided to go ahead and receive an epidural. This would allow for me to get some rest from being stuck in the bed and the nurses coming in almost every five minutes to move me. At that same time they checked me and broke my water. I was at 7 cm dilated. I was hoping that being able to rest would allow baby boy's heart rate to be better monitored and to stay up where it needed to be. That was not the case. I was able to get some rest from the epidural, but the nurses were still in and out of my room to move me around in the bed. The midwife also started coming in and out of the room more. I started to get this feeling that things were going south, and in the direction that I didn't want to head. Plan Z for our birth plan was starting to come into light more than I had hoped for.
At about midnight, the midwife came in. She checked me and the baby. I was bleeding more than they would have liked, and she said that baby's heart rate was staying down for too long. Our midwife informed us that we needed to consider going in for an emergency cesarean. This is not what I wanted to do at all! Thoughts started running through my head that this was going to make me less of a woman not being able to give birth to my son the natural way. Why would God be putting me through this when He knew how I wanted to deliver our son, and how the natural birthing process was to go? However, I needed to take a step back and consider what was best for the health of my baby and myself. Therefore, at about 0015 on June 12, the hospital staff started wheeling me to the OR. The anesthesia made my arms shake, my emotions were all over the place, it was cold and sterile in the OR, and my husband was being told what to do.
What seemed like forever was really only a matter of minutes, and our son arrived at 0040 on June 12, just 6 days after my due date. I couldn't see him for a few minutes, and I didn't hear anything when he was born. He didn't cry. I started crying and asked my husband if everything was okay. Neither of us were sure how he was doing, but it was then that they called my husband over to the basinet where he was able to look at our son and touch his sweet face and hands. I was an emotional wreck. I just wanted to know that everything was perfect, but I was by myself and all I could see were my son's hands flailing up over the top of the bassinet every once in awhile. It seemed like forever until I got to see our son's sweet face, but it was only a few minutes until my husband brought him over to me. My worried tears turned into tears of joy as I got to kiss the face of my sweet baby boy!
At around 0100, our family of three was together in the recovery room. My how our lives had just changed, and they changed for the better. What a joy it was to be holding our precious boy in my arms. He was absolutely perfect. In recovery we worked on learning the breastfeeding process together. What a time that was as we bonded on a whole new level. My body had just endured over 20 hours of labor, was cut into, a child pulled out of my womb, and then sewn back together. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, a beautiful life that I grew for 9 months, and then I couldn't take my eyes off of once he was finally in my arms. What a miracle it was to give life, and then to provide the nourishment to sustain that life. Even though the delivery didn't go as I had hoped and prayed for, God was there. He was in the labor room. He was in the OR. He was in recovery. He never left our side. He helped keep my husband and I as calm as we possibly could be during the process. Our nerves and emotions may have been scattered, but God was there to keep all of us safe.
One of the first things I told my husband after the chaos had calmed was that we get to plan the delivery date for our next child. I had in my head that once you have a c-section, you automatically get scheduled to have another c-section for your next birth. That is just how the process works, and that's what people have in their heads these days...
MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTH
In June of 2017, my husband and I found out that we were expecting our second child. We were thrilled! There was a lot going on at that time, so I wasn't thinking about the delivery that would occur in about 9 months. However, after we had the first ultrasound at the end of the first trimester I started looking toward what would happen the day baby was to arrive into our world come mid February 2018. I started wondering if cesarean really was my only option like I had thought after my son's birth. I then started looking into the VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) option.
I talked with my midwife about this option as well, and she thought that I would be a good candidate for it. The reasons that I had an emergency c-section with our son were due to his heart rate and not that I wasn't progressing in labor, because I had. My only concern at that time was that they did not allow VBAC as an option at the hospital that I wanted to deliver at. I would have had to switch midwives and hospitals if I wanted to go that route. The hospital was working on getting the necessary items in place to allow for VBACs, but my midwife wasn't sure when that would be in full swing. I didn't want to switch providers, so for the moment I was going to have to schedule another cesarean. In the meantime, I was still doing my research on second cesareans and VBACs.
I talked to my friend's mom who is a doula and has had multiple VBACs herself. She strongly recommended I attempt a VBAC and to read some books on it so that I might be fully knowledgable on what I wanted to do. A couple books that she highly recommended to me were: Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth and Birth After Cesarean: The Medical Facts by Bruce L. Flamm, MD. I really enjoyed reading about all the medical facts, but that's just the type of person I am. Without going into all the statistics, the book really put things into perspective for me. It helped convince me that I was making the right decision to move forward with the VBAC option.
When I made the decision to move forward with the VBAC my midwife told me that they were now allowing them at the hospital. I was thrilled that I wouldn't have to switch providers. I was also going to a chiropractor every month throughout the pregnancy, which helped my body in so many ways. My chiropractor is also a doula, and my husband and I decided that it would be a good idea to hire her to be with us during labor and delivery. I was trying to do everything possible to help make this birth experience absolutely perfect (and what I didn't get with my son). I had my mind set on doing what my body was supposed to do, and providing my baby with all the benefits that labor provides.
This pregnancy went by really fast compared to my first. Before we knew it February had arrived, and the due date had come and gone. During the week of my due date, I started to have high blood pressure. I monitored my BP from home, visited the chiropractor. I even tried acupuncture for the first time to help get the blood pressure to where it should be. Although the BP was slightly high for me, I had no other symptoms of preeclampsia or anything else to be of concern for me and baby. It was just something we had to monitor for the remainder of the pregnancy. On February 21, 2018 at about 0300, I woke up with some contractions. They were not very strong, and they were inconsistent. They were scattered and came every 15-20 minutes. That lasted pretty much all day. It wasn't until about 2000 that evening that I decided to start timing my contractions. As I watched the olympics in the comfort of my own home, I bounced on the birthing ball and kept track of how far apart my contractions were. I was able to "relax" and "enjoy" labor with my husband as much as I relatively could. We kept in touch with our doula throughout the night to keep her informed of the progress.
At around 0330 on February 22, we texted the doula and headed for the hospital. Once in triage they monitored and checked me. I was only at 3 cm dilated, but the contractions were close enough together that they continued to monitor me and kept me in a triage room for about 3 hours due to the fact that labor and delivery was so busy all the rooms were full. For the most part I felt good about working my way through the contractions with my husband and doula. My husband was such a good supporter, and continued to rub my back as needed. My doula, who was also my chiropractor, was able to put pressure in certain places during some contractions making them almost nonexistent. It was absolutely amazing! We were finally officially admitted to a labor and delivery room at 0630. The room was so much bigger, and allowed for more comfort. I had to stay hooked up to the monitors due to attempting a VBAC, but I was still able to get up and bounce on the ball, do some low squats, and move around just slightly more than before. I didn't feel as boxed in as I did in the triage room.
Between 0830 and 0930, I kept feeling like I had to push. They were strong and painful urges of having to push as well. The pain at times was extremely sharp. It was almost excruciating. However, when the midwife checked me, she told me that I needed to stop pushing because I was only 6 cm dilated. What?! How could this be? I really could not tell my body or focus in on anything to stop my body from pushing. My body was telling me that this baby needed/wanted to come out, but my body was physically not ready for that to happen. I didn't want to, but I decided that it would be best if I received an epidural so that I could relax enough to not feel like I had to push. Not feeling that urge to push would keep my cervix from swelling so that when it was really time to push, there wouldn't be any issues. Getting the epidural was another story. They missed my epidural 3 times, and I think I had about 4 or 5 contractions amidst their attempts which made things even more difficult. They finally got the epidural in around 0930 and at around 1000 my blood pressure dropped really low. They quickly gave me blood pressure medicine to bring it back up. They also put me on oxygen to help bring baby girl's heart rate back up as it had dropped as well. After all that, the midwife checked me. The epidural hadn't kicked in fully, so I still felt the urge to push every now and then. She told me I really needed to try my best to stop pushing. I was still only at 6 cm. However, the next thing she did was call the doctor. She was calm, but you could hear the firmness in her voice while she told the doctor that she needed him to come right away. There was quite a bit of blood when she checked me. Before I knew it, it was 1015 and they were wheeling me to the OR. After over 14 hours of labor, my worst nightmare had just come true. I again wasn't able to do things the way I had planned, had hoped, and had tried so hard to do.
My midwife knew how much I wanted to do things the natural way that she was crying with me all the way to the OR. My doula knew how much I wanted the natural delivery as well, but she stayed calm and continued to be a support throughout the chaos before we went to the OR. She was able to be a rock for my husband when I couldn't. She prayed for us and helped ease our nerves as much as possible. When they sent her out, she stayed in the waiting area with my mom and our son during everything. That truly meant a lot since my mom tried to see me as they were taking me to the OR, but it was such an emergency that all my husband could say to her was, "No, no, no, no." I was freaking out on the inside. I really have no words to describe what was going on in my head. I was scared for my baby's life and mine, and I wanted everything to be okay. Before going into the OR, my husband leaned in to give me a kiss. They then put me on the OR table and hooked me back up to the monitors. Baby's girl's heart rate was at 50 bpm. The doctor came over to me, and he calmly told me what was going on. He told me that he knew I wanted my husband to be in the OR and that I wanted to be awake, but that it just wasn't going to be possible. With where the baby's heart rate was at, and since my epidural was not up to full effectiveness, he didn't have time to get it to where it needed to be. At that time I was so thankful for how calm he was and for him taking the time to talk to me about what was happening. I told him okay, and just seconds later I was asleep and my husband wasn't allowed in the room. I wanted what was best for baby girl and I. I don't remember anything for about the next hour, but our baby girl was born at 1027.
According to the doctor, midwife, and all the nurses in the OR, baby girl came out pink and crying. She was, and is, absolutely perfect. As soon as the nurses were done making sure she was good to go, they gave her to my husband. The two of them were able to bond while I was still in the OR and coming back to from general anesthesia. Missing the whole first hour of my daughter's life has also been hard to cope with along with having to have another c-section. Apparently my placenta had started to tear away from my uterine wall during labor. That was the cause of the bleeding, my BP dropping, and baby's heart rate dropping. Just another reason why the c-section was necessary. When I was finally awake, I was able to start breastfeeding baby girl, and she was more than my dreams could have imagined. I didn't know that my heart could hold so much love. I was actually in a decent amount of pain when I woke up due to being intubated, but every time I looked at my daughter it would go away.
The first couple of weeks of her life was when my emotions started to get the better of me. I felt sad, angry, and confused about why things went the way they did during labor and delivery. Why did I have to go through another emergency c-section when I had worked so hard, and had my heart set on doing things the natural way? I felt like God had let me down. I felt like I was less of a woman yet again. I felt defeated. It wasn't the fact that either one of us may not have made it during the labor and delivery process if we had kept going the natural route, but that I wasn't able to do it that way.
It has taken me over a month after her birth to write this, and to start thinking that it wasn't my fault. That it wasn't God's fault. That I'm not less of a woman. I am alive. My baby girl is alive. I am so grateful for that. Why have I been thinking so negatively? That is the way the world has taught us to think. However, we need to change our way of thinking. I am so happy that I have the family that I have. I am so glad that I have the faith in Christ that I have. Without Him by our side during both of my births, things could have gone a completely different direction.
I need to stop telling myself that I'm any lesser of a woman because I had to have not one, but two emergency c-sections. I now have two beautiful children that see the way I talk to myself. It is up to me to show them how important self love is. That is what I'm going to do. If I have to continually remind myself of that, I will. It's important. Each day I will thank God for them, and each day I will be blessed that I am alive to show my children that life is more than what we see. God has everything under control, and we are blessed to live by faith each day.